“Why Do I Overshare?” Understanding and Managing Your Tendency to Spill Too Much of Your Own Tea
We’ve all been there—having a conversation where we start off sharing a small detail, and before we know it, we’ve spilled a whole pot of tea. Oversharing, the tendency to reveal overly personal or intimate details in conversations, is something that many of us have done. It’s easy to get carried away when we feel comfortable or eager to connect with others, but it can sometimes leave us feeling exposed or regretful afterward.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why do I overshare?” or felt like your conversations have crossed a line, you’re not alone. In this blog, we’ll dive into why we overshare, what it can mean for our emotional well-being, and how we can find balance in our personal narratives.
The Root of Oversharing: Why Do We Do It?
Oversharing often stems from a deep desire for connection. As humans, we crave belonging and authenticity, and sometimes sharing too much is our way of bonding with others. It might feel like an instinctive act—an attempt to be open, vulnerable, and authentic.
However, there are deeper psychological reasons that may explain why we overshare. By understanding the root causes, we can begin to unpack why we tend to spill too much tea and find healthier ways to manage our communication.
1. Seeking Validation
When we overshare, we may be looking for external validation or approval. By revealing personal experiences or emotions, we may subconsciously seek reassurance that others understand, empathize, or accept us. It’s a way of saying, “Here’s my truth—please believe me.”
The desire to feel seen and heard is a natural human desire. However, it can become problematic if we start relying too much on others for validation rather than knowing our truth from within. If you often feel the urge to share intimate details to feel validated, it could be a sign to reflect on your relationship with self-acceptance and self-love.
2. Emotional Release
Sometimes, we overshare because we’re dealing with overwhelming emotions or thoughts. It could be a way to release pent-up feelings that we’ve been holding inside. When emotions like sadness, anxiety, frustration, or excitement build up, we may feel compelled to express them to others in the hopes of lightening the emotional load.
However, sharing in this way without first processing the emotions can sometimes leave us more exposed than we intended. In some cases, oversharing can even exacerbate emotional stress, especially if the person we’re sharing with isn’t equipped to help us navigate our feelings.
3. Lack of Boundaries
Not knowing where to draw the line can make it easy to overshare. If we haven’t developed clear internal boundaries, we may find ourselves sharing details we haven’t fully made sense of. This can result in a loss of personal control and leave us vulnerable in ways we didn’t anticipate. What if our words are not held in confidence? Or worse, weaponized against us?
Boundaries can be tricky to navigate. On the one hand, we may want to be open and honest in our communication, but on the other hand, there needs to be a level of discretion regarding what’s appropriate to share and with whom. Not all moments are the right time for deep personal revelations, and understanding this can help protect our emotions and reputation.
4. Attention and Connection
Oversharing can also be a way to capture attention. If we’re craving connection, we might think that opening up about intimate or unique experiences will make us more relatable or interesting in the eyes of others. But this need for external attention may sometimes take away from our internal needs for self-reflection and protection.
When the need for attention becomes the driving force behind oversharing, we may start to feel disconnected from our true selves. We may share in a way that feels more performative than genuine, which can leave us – and others – feeling emotionally drained or unsatisfied.
The Impact of Oversharing on Our Emotional Health
While the act of oversharing may stem from a desire to connect or express ourselves, it can take a toll on our emotional health. Here are some of the effects of oversharing:
1. Emotional Exhaustion
Constantly pouring out our thoughts and feelings can leave us emotionally drained. We may find ourselves feeling exposed or vulnerable afterward, questioning whether we overshared or said too much. This emotional exhaustion can take a toll on our overall well-being, leaving us feeling mentally and physically fatigued.
Over time, the cycle of oversharing can lead to burnout, as we deplete our emotional reserves in an effort to connect with others. Learning to balance the act of sharing with self-care is key to avoiding this exhaustion.
2. Regret
After oversharing, we might feel regret or embarrassment. It’s natural to worry about how others might perceive us, especially if we’ve opened up about something deeply personal. This can lead to feelings of shame, self-doubt, or fear of judgment.
The fear of being judged or misunderstood can keep us from truly being ourselves. But in truth, many of us will relate to the desire to overshare because it’s part of the human experience. Still, regret and discomfort are signals that we need to develop healthier ways of communicating our emotions.
3. Crossing Boundaries
We step over boundaries by ignoring the social cues we’re making others uncomfortable. It can be taken as a lack of respect or manners. It can be difficult to rebuild those boundaries once they’ve been crossed.
Boundaries act as protective barriers for everyone’s emotional health. When we cross them, we open ourselves up to backlash and potential hurt. By taking the time to slow down and “read the room” – noticing body language and other nonverbal cues – we lower the risk of unintentionally offending others.
4. Difficulty with Self-Reflection
By constantly seeking external validation through oversharing, we may lose sight of our internal reflections. Instead of processing emotions on our own, we may become reliant on others to help us work through them. This can hinder our emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
Learning to self-reflect without immediately sharing our thoughts with others can help us develop a deeper understanding of our emotions and inner being. It’s important to find a balance between introspection and external sharing. It is a source of strength to know our own mind.
How to Manage Oversharing: Finding Balance and Self-Protection
Understanding why we overshare is the first step toward finding balance. The next step is to learn how to manage our tendency to spill our tea and protect our emotional well-being. Here are some strategies:
1. Learn Boundaries
Learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are internal guardrails that guide us towards safety. They can be physical, emotional, and yes, conversational. It’s okay to tell yourself in advance which topics are off-limits or when it’s time to steer a conversation in a different direction. Practicing mindfulness can help you recognize when you’re getting too comfortable in a conversation.
Having boundaries doesn’t mean being closed off—it means being intentional about what you share and when you share it. You can practice saying things like, “I’d rather not discuss that right now,” or “That’s a personal topic I’d like to keep private.”
2. Practice Self-Reflection
Instead of immediately sharing with others, take time to reflect on your feelings. Journaling, meditating, or simply sitting with your emotions can help you process them privately before speaking them out loud. This way, you can ensure that you share what feels right for you and not just what feels urgent in the moment.
Writing down your thoughts can help clear your mind, making it easier to discern what’s worth sharing with others and what might be better left unsaid.
3. Ask Yourself Why You’re Sharing
Before spilling too much tea, ask yourself why you’re about to share this information. Are you looking for validation? Do you want emotional support? Or are you genuinely trying to connect? By understanding your motives, you can make more intentional choices about what and how much you share.
When you know the “why” behind your sharing, you can determine whether it’s coming from a place of authenticity or neediness.
4. Seek Trusted Spaces
If you feel the need to share, find trusted friends or support groups where you can open up without fear of judgment. Choose environments where you feel safe and respected, and where your boundaries will be respected.
Not everyone is equipped to hold space for your personal stories. Choose friends who genuinely understand and support you, and whose energy complements your own. Or, find a therapist you resonate with to help you process difficult things. It is time well-spent.
5. Learn to Be Comfortable with Silence
Sometimes, we feel compelled to share in order to fill the silence. But learning to be comfortable with silence and stillness is a powerful tool. It allows us to sit with our thoughts and emotions even if they are big and huge. This practice can bring clarity and peace. It also builds emotional strength and resilience.
Learning that it’s okay to have pauses during discussions can help reduce the pressure to carry the conversation through constant talking. You can still be present and connected in the company of others even when there is thoughtful space.
Final Thoughts: Protecting Your Peace and Your Story
While it’s important to be open and authentic in our relationships, it’s equally important to protect our peace and our personal stories. Oversharing can sometimes blur the lines between vulnerability and emotional overwhelm. By honoring boundaries, practicing self-reflection, and understanding why we share, we can foster healthier, more balanced connections with others—without compromising our emotional well-being.
Remember, your story is yours to share as you see fit. You don’t need to spill all your tea for others to like you. Trust that the right people will value and understand you without needing every detail. By practicing mindfulness in our conversations, we can find the balance between openness and self-preservation.
Love and power,
Velma Carter Centre